Bubbe's Place: Stories

I Didn't Believe

I didn't believe in God. I didn't know how to pray. How could I believe in or pray to a God who let the holocaust happen? Still I did believe that Jews needed to support each other and to support Jewish institutions. With this in mind, Zayde and I joined a synagogue. After time and with much thought, I decided that I could not blame God for people's actions. I had always preached, "Be a mentsh." This means take responsibility. I never excused a person for their actions by saying, " He's just a man. " That suggests that people are helpless. I don't believe that people are helpless. I realize that I can't be a humanist, certainly not after the holocaust. I didn't want to put my faith in people. I had read, and I had seen too many examples of people treating other people cruelly, inhumanely. I decided that I would rather have faith in some greater Being, in God. 1 began to explore this option.

And so it was that Zayde and I began to attend Friday night services. As I got familiar with the services, I grew to enjoy them. I liked being with people of all ages and from all walks of life. I liked sharing a cup of tea and a little conversation. Then too, as the Yiddish world was disappearing, the religious world was changing dramatically. It was easier for an educated Jewish woman to participate. Soon a woman could be an equal to a man in synagogue. There was a Bat Mitzvah for our daughters. Women could be on the board of the synagogue. A woman could be counted in a minyan. Now a woman could be a cantor and even ordained as a Rabbi. Even the prayers changed. No longer was God, just the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. God was also the God of Sarah, Rebecca, Leah, and Rachel.

Today I go to synagogue and pray because it takes me out of my ordinary ways of feeling and acting. It helps me think about who I am, where I came from, and how I hope to behave and live. I am always looking to do the right thing. I want to behave in compassionate and just ways. I do not want to be unthinking, irrational, and unfeeling. In synagogue I seek guidance as to the right way to behave, how to treat people, animals and the earth. I think I am finished talking about the years when I was growing up.