Bubbe's Latkes

Makes about 20 - 24 normal latkes, or 2 gezunte latkes. If you form them with your hands and you’re Donald Trump makes 100.

Prep Time: 30 Minutes
Cook Time: 30 Minutes

2 cups peeled and shredded potatoes
(3 medium taters = 1 lb = 2 cups shredded)
4 tablespoons grated onion
1 tablespoon chopped scallion
3 eggs, beaten and defeated
2 tablespoons all-purpose, generic or non-denominational flour
1 1/2 teaspoons salt
1/2 cup Schmaltz or peanut oil or vegetable oil or WD-40 for frying. Not for bathing.

Shred spuds in a food processor. If you don’t have a food processor, or if you’re a Luddite and insist on using a grater because “That’s how Bubbe did it” try not to shred too much knuckle into the taters.

Place the potatoes in a cheesecloth and wring, extracting as much moisture as possible. If you can’t find cheesecloth, pantyhose will do. Preferably clean. Put some oomph into the wringing. Think malevolent thoughts about people who committed perceived wrongs against you or your loved ones.

Work with all due alacrity as the potatoes may be, as you read this, turning an awful shade of brown.

In a medium bowl stir the potatoes, onion, eggs, flour and salt together. Re-enact the cauldron scene from MacBeth¹.

In a large heavy-bottomed skillet over medium-high heat, heat the Schmaltz/ oil until hot. If you don’t have a heavy-bottomed skillet any skillet will do, so long as you are heavy-bottomed. Place generous spoonfuls of the potato mixture into the hot oil, pressing down on them to form 1/4 to 1/2 inch thick patties. Use the spoon to press. Using your fingers is a mistake. Brown first on one side, turn and brown on the other side. If there is a third side check your meds, you probably doubled up on something. Place paper towels atop a plate or better yet a cooling rack. Drape the towels artistically. Let the latkes drain on paper towels. Or not, if your doctor has said you need more grease in your diet.

Top with a light dusting of chopped scallions, or dill, or parsley. Anything fancy-shmancy. Presentation is everything. Serve hot with Sour Cream and Applesauce. Or adorn with Lox. Nice. Present with pomp and circumstance to your family and loved ones while proclaiming “Ta-Da!”.

Yum.



1. Yes, it is Anti-Semitic, isn't it?